I spent like 6 weeks having serious anxiety and dread about an oral surgery I had to get to figure out and remove a mystery growth up behind my back tooth. It was an aggressive type cyst. I do not appreciate you, cyst, or your aggressiveness.
I have become more fearful of the world. I grow more fearful of the world. Aging has not made me braver.
In February I flew on airplanes and cried half the time. It was likely partly due to being pre-menstrual or very nearly menstrual. I drank one of those little bottles of wine at 9 in the morning and then I listened to the man next to me describe every detail of his discovered genealogy. He was in the Air Force. He said I was safe. I did not feel safe, but safer for talking to someone. A little more relaxed with some wine in me. I heard all about his ancestors in Germany. He asked me nothing of my own life. Fine, it was fine. Keep talking until we land. Nice to meet you.
I’m worried I will never be able to fly again. And I’d really like to go to Japan. And Hawaii. And Norway. And I would like to visit Austin again. It’s been 10 years. But I don’t want to drive to Austin because I don’t want to be in the hot car for 15 hours and I don’t want to travel through Oklahoma again and see gun signs and I hate public restrooms. But I also do not want to fly.